It’s that point once more.

A time to remodel fireside and residential right into a hellscape of landfill-bound fripperies.

A time to commerce the quinoa salads and avocado ice cream for mother’s deep-fried mac ‘n cheese balls filled with pizza rolls filled with a molten core of sugar-soaked gummy worms.

And maybe most significantly, a time to supply moonlit sacrifices of cured grinch hides and spiced elf organs to the dimension-hopping Antediluvian demi-god Santa Claus and his battalion of bionic beast-deer-creatures cast within the Third Epoch of Prehistory to do battle with the dead-eyed demon prince Krampus for command of the multiverse—

what? That is fairly irrelevant. Shifting on.

What I actually needed to say was . . .


I hope you and yours are relishing many moments of joyous merriment and reveling in all of their pine-scented, butter-lubed, and tinsel-laden glory.

And what’s going to subsequent yr convey?

Will the “I’m not a criminal simply an fool” protection exonerate Rip-off Bankrun-Fraud and his owl-faced polyamorous collaborator?

Will the 2 weeks of transitory, secure and efficient, and largely peaceable inflation lastly finish?

Will we discover ourselves spearing mutated acid hogs within the blasted ruins of Toad Suck, Arkansas?

Who can know?

At any charge, my merry band of mice and males . . . and girls . . . have laid wondiferous plans for 2023 that’ll get you purring like a canine that ate a cheerful cat, together with . . .

  • New and upgraded merchandise to instabuy, together with an power drink, protein cookie, Pulse and Recharge enhancements (new elements!), attire, and extra.
  • New flavors of present merchandise to take a flier on, together with rainbow sherbert and pina colada Pulse; apple pie, coconut cream, and frosted cereal Whey+; bitter sweet and arctic blast Recharge; and extra.
  • New gross sales channels and worldwide transport choices to raised separate you out of your coinage, together with Amazon UK,, and
  • New content material to graze on, together with fourth editions of my books Greater Leaner Stronger and Thinner Leaner Stronger, new web site instruments, weblog articles, podcasts, and extra.

And that’s simply the short dampen, after all—many particulars to observe.

Oh and since this could’t be mentioned sufficient:

Bless your cotton socks on your assist.


If this had been one other period, I’d construct a temple to your glory, tear out my eyes with a ceremonial spoon, turn into your oracle, prophesy the doom of all who oppose you, and sing hymns about your nascent godhood with my tongueless mouth.

However alas, that is the Present Yr, and so, if it pleases Your Grace, I provide my everlasting gratitude as an alternative.



Prefer it, adore it, rub it throughout your self. 

Oh, and yet one more factor:

For the sake of Santa’s sacred nipples, don’t depend energy on Christmas.

Feast. Drink. Hug your family members. Hakuna matata.




P.S. Various folks have mentioned they wish to get me a present for the vacations, which is a candy gesture . . . until it’s a field of Maricopa harvester ants . . . no, the thought doesn’t depend . . . and to that I say:

If you wish to get me one thing, then possibly purchase a replica of one among my books? Or go away a assessment for one among them wherever you purchase books on-line?

We authors like to promote books. And get evaluations. 

Actually, the one motive you’re receiving this e-mail is as a result of many type folks began doing each of these issues ten years in the past once I launched the primary version of Greater Leaner Stronger, so both of them would actually tickle the reptilian pleasure facilities of my mind this Christmas.